Not okay, Part Three

Last November, I arrived at work one morning to find that my desk had been moved in my absence. (I only worked Mon/Tues/Wed, so if any changes were made to the office, they were usually done on a Friday and I was surprised with them the next Monday.)

After discovering my desk’s new location and settling in, I observed that I wasn’t able to connect to the internet. I asked my co-worker, T, if it was possible that I was not given an ethernet cable when my desk was moved and he agreed that was probably the case, and then found a cable for me. Intending to plug it in inside the server(?) closet, he rounded the corner by my desk and encountered a bike blocking the door to the closet.

After throwing his hands out and angrily saying “What’s this? Is this a COAT RACK or a BIKE RACK? Whose bike is this? K’s?” he proceeded to turn and look at K, and then he threw the coiled-up ethernet cable in his hands at K.

Let me say this again.

After observing a bicycle parked in a place he considered “wrong,” he used the coiled cable in his hands to physically assault the co-worker whose bike he believed it to be.

The cable hit K in the head and knocked his headphones off. He had no idea what hit him, and immediately spun around and saw T walking toward him with his hand out, asking for the cable back. T mumbled something about “not meaning to hit him” and there was a short physical scuffle (pushing) and then K said “get the fuck out of my office.” T turned around and returned to his desk without uttering a word.

At that point, I was still without internet for my computer and as such, was unable to do my job. Because we had no IT person and I did not want to further provoke T, I was at a loss for who else I should talk to about this problem. I busied myself with writing documentation until my manager was out of a meeting and able to address the issue.

There were MANY things wrong with this situation, but allow me to list some of the main ones:

1. T’s physical assault on K
2. T’s reaction to seeing the bike in front of the closet was completely out of proportion with the actual hindrance the bike may have caused
3. I was left with my problem unsolved for another full hour due to the outburst and T not following through
4. They failed to equip my workstation with a critical component of my day-to-day work after moving my desk (this was not the first time something like this had happened)
5. Being made to feel unsafe in the workplace – what if I do something (park my bike incorrectly?) that sets T off?

The fifth one was what prompted me to call a short meeting with my manager at the end of the day. I described what happened. My manager was sympathetic and agreed that it was inappropriate, and assured me he would discuss it with T’s manager who would then give T a warning.

I would bet cash money T was never talked to.

There’s a small chance that T’s manager was told about the incident, but I find that kind of hard to believe. And you know why? The company needed T. They would never get rid of him, especially not for something like this. They did not care that T injured K or that I felt unsafe working with T.

I never got an update on the incident; I had the audacity to expect a “Hey, just so you know, T’s manager has talked to T and if anything like this ever happens again, he is gone” or the like. Something that would indicate to me that they actually took the incident seriously.

Also: am I wrong in thinking something like this is usually a fire-able offense?

Not okay.

I am angry that I debated even talking to my manager about it. I really, really didn’t want to be seen as the timid, sensitive, lone female developer so I very nearly considered not bringing it up at all.

HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?

In a “normal” office, I believe T would have been fired, or at least given a very severe warning. As it stood, I doubt he was even talked to.

I simply did my best to steer clear of him.

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Not okay, Part Two.

The job I got laid off from was the one mentioned here. On my last day there, a co-worker instant-messaged me a link to this video (cartoon underpants visible, watch at your own discretion).

It’s a Harry Potter themed video that depicts a parody of the “wingardium leviosa” scene from the first book. Except Ron uses the spell to flip Hermione’s skirt up, and as she’s saying “no” and “stop,” Professor Snape comes in and stares, and then “corrects” Ron’s pronunciation.

My co-worker’s actual words were:

I’m not sure about you, but i’m a fan of HP and thought this was hilarious

I get that it’s supposed to be funny. I really do. And I get that the joke is also about the pronunciation and their faces. But this is basically the very definition of Rape Culture – the fact that sexually harassing somebody is considered “normal” and “funny” instead of gross and reprehensible.

At the time he sent this message, I had just been laid off, I had had it up to here with being subjected to this kind of stuff, and figuring I had nothing to lose, I laid into him.

I am probably the biggest HP fan in this room, but what is so funny about that video? the fact that Hermione is being sexually assaulted, or that she says “no” and “stop” and nobody listens? I understand it’s meant to be “funny,” but that’s sexual assault, and I’m not sure why you would think it’s hilarious, much less why you’d think I would think so as well.

I also linked to the two rape culture links above, and then recommended a Harry Potter video that’s actually funny – A Very Potter Musical.

You guys, it was SO HARD to press send.

You know why?

1. By complaining about it, I’m at risk of being seen as “humorless,” which happens to a lot of women in tech when they complain about sexist behavior or harassment
2. I want to be liked. I don’t want to be seen as “a bitch.”
3. I worried about being “mean” to him, even though he had made me uncomfortable
4. I second-guessed myself a million times about whether or not it was actually inappropriate to send me that at work because it was a very casual work environment
5. I second-guessed myself a million times about whether or not what was depicted in the video was objectionable, even though it actually didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things because the video was weird and unfunny and I didn’t like it.

His response was:

HIM:

Ah sorry I didn’t mean to offend you. Most of my friends find that kind of bad humor funny :S

ME:

I am all about bad humor, trust me, but I wanted to take an opportunity to educate – there are a lot of ways that video could have kept the funny “levioSAHHH” without showing Hermione’s underpants.

HIM:

Agreed

In the end though, because there wasn’t a HR department or really anybody to complain to, and because I would be out of there within hours, this interaction stayed between the two of us. There really wasn’t anywhere else to go.

Not okay.

I do not know what in the world was going on in that guy’s head when he sent that video to me. I am nearly certain that after our interaction, he probably wrote me off as a crazy feminist loony, but my hope is that he actually opened up one or two of the links I sent him and read a bit of the pages.

And maybe next time he considers sending a video like that to a female colleague, he’ll reconsider.

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