Speaking of Sweatpants

Harry and the Potters – “Wizard Chess”

I have never been a fan of sweatpants. Okay, that’s not totally true. I was a fan in the second grade for a while, until the day I wore red sweatpants and a yellow sweatshirt to school and the teacher picked me to demonstrate the sun in a kinetic example of the planets. I had to spin in a circle while everyone stared and nine other bewildered kids walked in circles around me. I was so embarrassed that I never wore sweatpants again.

The two people I saw out and about the other day should have had a similar experience.

The first was a lady, probably mid-50’s, wearing a pair of navy blue Victoria’s Secret sweatpants with “PINK” displayed across the butt in an offensive fuchsia color. This particular type of sweatpants is meant to be squinched up around the calves/knees in a sporty sort of way, but this unfortunate lady had pulled them straight down toward her ankles. You’ll notice I say “toward,” because they didn’t actually reach her ankles, giving the impression that she had a recent growth spurt of about six inches and hadn’t had time to purchase new pants. Additionally, her butt was of the saggy 50-something lady type, which also did not fit well with the hip, sporty intended look of the pants. It was altogether a total tragedy. I felt bad for her.

Then I went to the grocery store.

There was a man. He was also clad in navy blue sweatpants that didn’t reach his ankles. However, for a reason probably he only knows, his sweatpants were at least two sizes too small for him. They hugged his butt. They hugged his bulge. They hugged everywhere they shouldn’t have, and they still didn’t reach his ankles. He was a bit portly and was also wearing some awful gray sweatshirt that was having a hard time covering his beer belly.

I am not easily offended, but YE GODS MAN, BUY SOME LARGER PANTS. I did not want to see that horrid outline in the front, I did not want to see your awful butt, I did not want to see your sorry, uncovered ankles. That, my friends, was offensive.

My message to you today is, if you wear sweatpants, please make sure they fit. And fit well, not just “yeah, I can get them on even though they are too short” or “man, these are really snug but I am just going to the grocery store so no one will notice” because people will notice and then will tell the Internet about you.

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