October 18, 2004 10:25 am

I Buttered The Apartment.

All I wanted was a bagel, really. I bought these blueberry bagels from Fred Meyer, and they smelled so delicious and blueberry-y that I had to eat one. Daniel had some butter, so I was going to borrow it to butter my bagel. The butter was actual butter, and it was in the refrigerator so it was really hard. I microwaved my bagel and threw the little partial-stick of butter in the microwave to soften it up a bit. When the bagel was done, the butter was still really stiff and unspreadable so I put it back in the microwave. I was watching it, but when I opened the door of the microwave, I knew something was terribly wrong.

Instead of just softening the butter, I pretty much melted the whole thing. I picked it up and tried to hover it over my bagel so that all the dripping melted butter would fall onto my bagel instead of everywhere else. This mostly worked.

After much hovering and drip-buttering of the bagel, I decided it was safe to move the partial-stick of butter away from the bagel. As soon as I moved a fraction of an inch, this river of butter came flowing from the partial-stick’s papery cover. Unbeknownst to me, there was a big, melty pocket of butter in the papery cover, so when I moved it went cascading out all over the floor and the counter and the sack with the napkins in it.


I thought it was sort of funny, but I felt really bad for buttering Daniel’s apartment. There was butter everywhere. He said he thought it was funny too, so that’s good. But I still feel bad. Today he suggested maybe I have cream cheese with my bagel instead. So next time, I’ll order some from a Breakfast Bagels online ordering service.

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