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I’ve heard of the four-month sleep regression, but is it normal for a five-month-old to forget how to eat at night when they wake up hungry? Wesley used to start snuffling to himself to wake me up, I’d give him a boob, and he’d eat and go right back to sleep. I’d often fall asleep before he was done.

Lately, he wakes up and wails until I give him a boob, but instead of trying to eat he starts YELLING. Angry, frustrated yelling, writhing around, etc. Either that or he’ll mouth the boob a bit but not make any kind of effort to latch/suckle and then start yelling. A few nights ago, I had to get up and sit on the edge of the bed and nurse him in the cradle hold every. single. time he woke up. This is a baby who was pleased as punch to nurse side-lying every night for MONTHS and now seems to have forgotten everything he ever knew about nighttime feedings.

Sometimes what ends up working is if I let him have his pacifier for a few seconds, and while he has the sucking rhythm down I quickly swipe out the binky and give him a boob. But it isn’t foolproof. Once, offering the other boob worked; once, we had to specifically wash the nipple shield for that feeding (you’re supposed to wash them after every feeding but hell if I am getting out of bed multiple times a night to wash it – a quick wipe generally suffices); one night we had to thaw some milk and give him a bottle, TWICE, instead of merely breastfeeding him. And then this morning he refused to eat at all. I took him to daycare (arriving at 7:45am) when he hadn’t eaten since 4:15am and he typically likes to eat every two hours, if he even makes it that far.

I don’t know what’s going on. He’s CLEARLY hungry and looking for food; his nursing position is the same when he’s side-lying as when he’s cradle-held; he’ll often stop crying to take a pacifier for a few minutes, but after he realizes it’s not giving him food he starts crying again. He eats perfectly fine during the day (either from me or from the bottle).

Consequently, I am getting less sleep now than I did when he was a newborn. This is a problem. I don’t mind that he wakes up during the night to nurse; I mind that when he wakes up, instead of quietly eating his food and going back to sleep, he yells and screams and makes a fuss until I rouse myself completely and sit up and hold him on my lap to eat, staying awake the whole time.

Is this teething? Demon possession? Sleep regression due to milestones? Ear infection? Do I have a crazy baby?

Help.

I have a weakness for Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Caramels. When I was pregnant with Wesley I got on this huge chocolate kick and often wanted chocolate with caramel, so these candies were perfect, and I still get them occasionally as an after-dinner treat.

Their only downside (besides the obvious caloric one) is that the chocolate flakes off easily when bitten, and there were several occasions in which I would go to change into my jammies after dessert and realize that I had chocolate bits melted on my décolletage or on my face.

Last night, however, took the cake.

We had the lights mostly off in the living room so we could watch some episodes of Veronica Mars. (Season 2, no spoilers please, am now in love with Logan Echolls.) Wesley needed to eat, so I sat on the couch and nursed him while munching on a caramel.

After the episodes were over, Daniel started playing his new video game. During a particularly bright sequence that lit up the room a bit, I noticed something weird about Wesley’s face.

“Oh gross. What in the world.” I thought. “BUGS? WHAT.” And then…

Oh no.

He was COVERED in chocolate. My caramel had flaked chocolate bits all over his face, where they had instantly melted. It was in several spots on the side of his head, all across his cheeks, there was a big spot on the underside of one arm, a tiny one on the back of his onesie, and traces of chocolate smeared near his mouth. I was horrified.

And then I started laughing uncontrollably. Daniel was like, um, what is going on over here? And I was like LOOK AT OUR BABY, LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HIM.

And I am not going to tell you whether or not I cleaned him by smooching the chocolate off his face.

(He was delicious.)

My family came to visit me last weekend! My mom, dad, and one of my brothers drove down to Portland to see us and we had a great time. Here are some photos:

Wesley and Grammie Angie:

Wesley and Grandpa Ronnie:

Wesley and Uncle Landen:

We went to a local toy store, looked at lots of awesome things and walked out with a Skwish toy for Wesley. He loves it!

Later, we drove to the coast to hang out at Cannon Beach for a while. Wesley had on a super-hip outfit:

Then he napped for something like three hours while I carried him around in our new Ergo carrier. While he was asleep, we visited another toy store and my mom bought him a squeezy ball and a book with baby sign language (we want to start teaching him signs). He loooooves the squeezy ball! It’s easy for him to grab and hang on to, and it’s chewy and has lots of places for him to poke his tongue into. Case in point:

It was a super-fun weekend and I’m so glad they got to come and visit! It’s great that they could hang out with Wesley again now that he is more interactive – my brother had never met him and my parents last saw him at 7 weeks old!

I was browsing Old Navy yesterday looking for some clothes for Wesley when I happened across a onesie that gave me pause. (Keep in mind I was looking for clothes to buy for my baby – I did not go to this site with the intention of finding something that irritated me.)

I came across this:

I am not angry that this shirt exists. I think it’s cute and if I formula-fed, I would consider purchasing it for my baby. However, since I breastfeed, where the eff is my shirt? Why can’t there be both versions?

Is Old Navy afraid to put the word “breastmilk” on a shirt? I would be okay with “Powered by Mama’s milk” if they were squeamish. (Which… GRAH to that, I see no reason to be squeamish about feeding a baby.)

I just want to see equal representation. This says to me, “At Gap, Inc. we support formula-feeding instead of breastfeeding to the point that we will take the time to design and manufacture a shirt to communicate our stance.” Had both shirts been offered, I likely would not have even noticed this.

Given that Old Navy provides nursing tops to breastfeeding mothers, the production of this “Formula Powered” bodysuit without an accompanying “Breastmilk Powered” design baffles me.

I’ve sent an email to their customer service department outlining these issues, and I’m looking forward to their response.

Even though I am personally committed to breastfeeding, I’m not crazy-militant about it. You know this. Basically, I firmly believe in doing what’s best for you and your family and if that’s breastfeeding or formula-feeding or just supplementing or whatever, GREAT.

However, I have seen several breastfeeding-related things recently that made me very, very irritated.

Thing the first:

The Double Shot in Oklahoma is run by a total jerk:

Mr. Brian Franklin posts that breastfeeding is not okay at his shop, despite this being against Oklahoma state law. When breastfeeding advocates get on his case, he tells them to “settle down,” and he relents (HA!) and says he supposes it is okay, as long as it’s “in private.”

And then when it doesn’t stop, he claims he was “just kidding anyway.”

Folks. Breastfeeding mothers have the right to feed their babies WHEREVER THEY WANT, just like formula-feeding mothers. It is AGAINST THE LAW to make them go elsewhere.

Thing the second:

From Babycenter, “Your 4-month-old, Week 2“:

Your baby has a bigger tummy now, so she won’t need to fill up as often. Four or five times a day will often do it, in fact, unless she’s exclusively breastfed, in which case she’ll still want to eat six to eight times a day.

This is so petty and nitpicky that I feel guilty posting it, but WHYYYY is formula-feeding the default language in this article? Why could it not have said, “Eating six to eight times a day will often do it, unless she’s formula-fed, in which case eating only four to five times a day is normal.”

Why is “unless she’s exclusively breastfed” the fringe case? Is breastfeeding really that uncommon past 12 weeks or so?

As a country, if would like to improve our breastfeeding rates, we should start taking a closer look at the language we use when referring to feeding our babies and how that affects the public’s attitude toward breastfeeding. If formula-feeding is presented as the norm, why would that motivate someone to stick with breastfeeding?

Thing the third:

When people on Facebook (or wherever) talk about how great it is that “Daddy gets up with the baby at night” so they can sleep.

I see this all over the place. Again, are this many people supplementing or full-on formula-feeding? The reason my baby gets up at night is to eat, and Daddy would be of absolutely no help in that case. (Maybe these babies aren’t getting up because they’re hungry?)

I suppose I could pump and give a bottle at night, but pumping is so much effort and I’m right there anyway – why not just feed him? Are these people pumping every day so Daddy can handle nighttime wakeups? I just don’t get it.

GRAH.

Octophant

There are so many wonderful things about this print. Elephants! Octopus! Narwhal! Walrus!
$40 from octophant.us.

Dueling Talking Carls

I’ve had a wallpaper of Carl as my computer background for a while, so when I saw this I immediately had to play it. Daniel and I were in hysterics by the end as it just gets more and more bizarre and funny as it goes on. Sound required!

Taga Bike Stroller

Fascinating! It’s like an inverse tricycle and it can fold up into a stroller. I think Daniel wants one.
$1495 from Tagabikes.com.

Birthday Cake from Hagrid

I made this cake today. Basically, I really just wanted a chocolate cake, but since today is Harry Potter’s birthday I figured I’d dork out and frost it like Hagrid’s cake.

See the movie version of the Hagrid Birthday Cake

Shabby Streamside Studio

A perfect little gingerbread house! It’s only 125 square feet and has no kitchen or heat. I find the entire interior awe-inspiring and adorable, like a real-life fairy tale house. I would have loved this as a teenager. (Hell, who am I kidding? I love it now.)

Read more at the owner’s blog, My Shabby Streamside Studio.

Owl Bookends

I randomly received a catalog for this company in the mail, and I basically either actively disliked or felt neutral about every single thing in the catalog except this, and now I am convinced I need owl bookends.
$39 from Company Kids.

Anything totally awesome you’ve found recently?

We started at our new daycare this morning and I have SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT IT.

Some backstory

We enrolled in Daycare #1 primarily because it was the only place in our general vicinity that had an opening for Wesley. We started looking when I was 20-something weeks pregnant, and every single other place we looked said the waitlist was a year long (TWO years in one case) and I needed care in July (which turned out to be June since Wesley was early).

We got on the waitlist at a couple other places just in case a spot magically happened to open up. We heard nothing for months and months and months. Then we got a phone call! It was Daycare #2 saying they had an opening!

I liked Daycare #2 all right when we visited it; it’s hard to judge these things ahead of time but the people seemed nice and the facility seemed cozy. It was also waaaay closer to my work and about $100 less expensive per month. (Giving cost as a reason for choosing a daycare sounds crass, but it’s an important consideration budget-wise when you’re spending $X,XXX per month for someone to take care of your kid.) I was bummed that it was one of the year-long waitlist places.

When we got the call, I was very surprised but also very interested. I talked it over with Daniel and we made the decision to move. I was a bit torn, because, well…

Yay: A spot opened up at Daycare #2 right before we needed it!

Boo: By “right before” I mean the day before we were going into Daycare #1 for our trial day so we could comfortably start on Monday.

If I’d had my way, we would have just started at Daycare #2 and not had to switch. Unfortunately, we’d paid a nonrefundable deposit already, plus Daycare #1 requires 30 days notice to withdraw your child. We started on that Monday by giving our 30-day notice and hoping they didn’t hate us.

It was incredibly, brutally hard to leave him that first week and every day was different. Monday, I just powered through and tried not to think about it. Tuesday was great – I felt like I really had a handle on things. Wednesday saw me crying in the bathroom at work; Thursday was marginally better and then he was at home with Daniel on Friday.

The next week was better (just like everyone told me it would be). It’s still hard to leave him, but I am no longer sobbing in bathroom stalls.

I definitely felt comfortable leaving Wesley at Daycare #1, but I never felt like I knew what he did during the day. They gave you the diapers/naps/food sheet but it never had any notes, not even the time he ran low on diapers without us noticing and they had to borrow one from another baby’s stash. They advertised that they take babies outside to play, but come to find out, they only do it for the “Mobiles,” the babies who can crawl or walk already. No biggie, but… why make it sound like he’ll be doing something he won’t be?

The Switch

Last Thursday was our last day at Daycare #1. We brought them some delicious cookies and a thank-you card with Wesley’s picture on it. One of the caregivers gave me a hug and said she hoped we would come by sometime so they could see how much he’s grown, and welcomed us back anytime in case the switch didn’t work out.

We went into Daycare #2 the next day as a trial run to make sure we could get there and back all right and to bring in some supplies ahead of time.

Right away I could sense things would be different.

We walked in to people saying “Hello!” and “Welcome!” and “This must be Wesley!” and lots of remarks about how cute he is and who is going to “claim” him. One lady even got him to laugh! Real baby laughs with no coughing or crying halfway through!

Then, a mom stopped to introduce herself and her baby! I formally met only ONE MOM in the month we were at Daycare #1 and that was the week we were leaving. And yes, I know I can introduce myself too, but the environment there was so much different; it was like they didn’t expect or encourage you to socialize. Very businesslike – get in, get your baby, get out.

Today, ANOTHER mom introduced herself! The mind boggles. Everyone is SO FRIENDLY!

When I would pick Wesley up from Daycare #1 at 5:30-ish, he was either the last baby there or the second to last; workers seemed like they were eyeing the clock and waiting for me to arrive so they could bolt. If I needed to feed him before we left, I felt awkward because the caregiver would clock out and leave before I was done, leaving me alone in the infant area. They usually had everything cleaned/packed up already so if I needed to change him I felt bad, because I had to put the changing pad back down on the counter, use it, re-sanitize it, and then put it back – if I could find the sanitizer spray bottle at all!

I mean, it’s not like I expect them to hang out while I’m feeding Wesley since by being there I’m reclaiming responsibility for him, but… it felt SUPER AWKWARD to be left more or less alone in this daycare center (the Mobiles caregiver was still there but left right after me). I worried sometimes that the Mobiles caregiver would accidentally lock me in or something.

When I left Daycare #2 today, all the caregivers were still present, one was talking to me about Wesley and his day (spitting up lots, fell asleep in the bouncer but was transferred to a crib) and on my take-home sheet I noticed they said he also fell asleep on a walk! They took him on a walk outside! I had just assumed since Daycare #1 didn’t do it for the little babies that Daycare #2 wouldn’t as well, but I was wrong.

I am inordinately pleased. It’s like this: you’re going out with Decent Boyfriend, and he’s perfectly adequate and things seem fine, but later you break up and you eventually find SuperDuper Awesome Boyfriend who not only cooks you dinner but gives great footrubs. You had no idea Boyfriends could even cook! And then you realize he also has a great group of friends. This is how I feel about our daycare situation.

I mean, really. If you have to leave your baby with somebody else all day, you had better be at least somewhat enthusiastic about them, right?

Today, I was minding my own business at work and using a free conference room to pump. (I’m set on continuing to breastfeed, so since I’m away from Wesley all day I have to pump at work in order to have something to feed him while he’s at daycare.)

None of the conference rooms at work have locks, so I have a couple of large “DO NOT DISTURB” signs that I tape on the door before I go in. So far, this has worked nicely. Many people at work know what I’m up to (more or less) so they steer clear. Plus, they are typically nice people who respect that kind of signage.

However, mid-pumping session this afternoon, I noticed a shadow in front of the translucent door. Before I had time to think, I observed the door sliding open and managed to yelp, “AAAAHH!!! DON’T COME IN!!!”

This did not deter the door-slider.

The door-slider – who turned out to be the VP of Sales – poked his head in the room, noticed me, remarked “Oh! Sorry.” and then left.

WHAT.

What part of “DO NOT DISTURB” and “AAAAHH!!! DON’T COME IN!!!” is unclear?! Did he really need to see me (and presumably my boobs, and my pumping apparatus) to realize THIS CONFERENCE ROOM IS OCCUPIED? BY SOMEONE WITH THEIR BOOBS OUT? WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE DISTURBED?

People baffle me sometimes.

(This is a great, multi-part (1, 2, 3) article on what it’s like (humiliating! embarrassing!) for women to pump at work and the effort and sacrifices it takes to do it. This is another multi-part (1, 2, 3, 4) article on what it’s like and what your options are for pumping at work. Part 3 is especially relevant for me.)

I was in the process of writing some soggy ol’ post about how I’m upset about the extra baby weight I’m carrying (on top of the weight I should have lost pre-pregnancy) but it got really maudlin and, well… I was irritating myself. So instead I will write about Wesley.

He is learning to grab for toys now, which makes him infinitely more interesting to hang out with. He can hang on to the toy and wave it around and sometimes he tries to bring it to his mouth.

He kind of tries laughing sometimes, but often in the process he gets confused halfway through and starts coughing, which sometimes makes him cry. Laughing is hard.

I find him irresistably cute and often try to munch on his cheeks. (Wouldn’t you?)

He is also learning that he can make noises! Mostly it’s “ahh-ooo” or this weird inward-suction of air “WHEEP” noise.

He’s great on public transit and doesn’t irritate other passengers. Hilariously, more people have offered me a seat in the last WEEK with him than they did the entire duration of my pregnancy. (Although, as I had suspected, I think a lot of people just didn’t realize I was pregnant. My favorite transit driver EVER saw me with Wesley and when I got on asked, “Heh, so… wait. When did that happen?!?” and when I said the end of March, he was like, “Oh wow! I… I didn’t even realize!” SO HAH. I was right. Perhaps the whole of Portland are not jerks and are instead just oblivious.)

He also really likes being in the wrap. That’s how we usually transport him; obviously if we’re taking the car he’s in his carseat, but I’m struggling to envision a situation in which it would be easier to have him in a stroller versus the wrap. Maybe for an extended walk, so it doesn’t wreck my back or something, but usually it’s easier to just throw on the wrap and go.

People always ask me how he’s sleeping or “Hah, so are you getting any sleep?” and I usually answer that we’re not doing too bad. I mean, he doesn’t sleep through the night or anything, but he usually wakes up at 11, 1:30, and 3:30am to eat and goes right back to sleep. I think part of this is because we’re co-sleeping (shhh…) so neither one of us really wakes up fully when he eats and I don’t have to jostle him around too much or take him from his warm bed to a cold, hard chair or anything.

We’re having lots of fun with baby Wesley. He’s waking up from a nap now and needs to be fed, so off I go!

I am not generally a guilt-ridden person when it comes to parenting; I tend to do what’s best for me and my family and not worry too much about it.

However, Wesley has contracted some kind of daycare-itis after less than two weeks there and has been coughing off and on for two days, and every single time he has a coughing attack it makes me want to cry and then throw up. He sounds so pitiful and I just know he got it from the other daycare babies and then I have horrible guilt for even putting him in that situation. MAH POOR PRESHUS SNOWFLAKE.

I think it’s because I keep having this overwhelming feeling that this isn’t how things were supposed to turn out, like I should have had this figured out before he arrived so I wouldn’t have to put him in daycare for most of the week. I feel like it’s my fault he’s sick.

I also have guilt that I see him less than anybody now. THIS is the thing that really breaks me up. The daycare providers get him most of the day, Daniel is able to pick him up early so he gets a few extra hours with him each day, and then he has Wesley all day on Fridays. Meanwhile, I see Wesley for maybe an hour or two daily while he’s awake. Saturdays and Sundays are better, but for the love of Pete, I don’t even really get to see him SMILE anymore because he’s either eating, asleep, or attempting to be asleep when I see him. Talk about knifing me through the heart.

This is also why I have next to no pictures of him for the last two weeks because he’s at daycare all day! And I am at work! Sad!

Meanwhile, Daniel is busy being Mr. Mom and I came home yesterday to loads of laundry finished; dinner made; baby bathed, fed, and sleeping; and a rose, a card, and some strawberry Jell-O to celebrate nine years of our lives together. Plus, he managed to find me the Pop-Up Book of Gnomes (scroll down) for my birthday which is my new favorite thing I never knew I always wanted.

Talk about putting me to shame. Good grief. When I was on maternity leave it was an accomplishment if I put on PANTS for the day. By about eight or nine weeks, I felt like things were going really well – I could often get some things done during the day, Wesley was big enough to hang out in his Bumbo while I folded laundry or sewed some projects, and I was feeling pretty good. We were getting out of the house regularly and I was seeing more of Portland and visiting places Daniel had only ever told me about and seeing friends…

And then I had to go back to work.

Melissa recently asked me how cloth diapering was going and I laughed. I laughed because it is not really going at all but I am trying to do something about it.

In short, I don’t really like the system I went with and am trying to build up a stash of other types of cloth diapers and we are using disposables in the meantime.

At first, I wanted to use up the disposables we got from the hospital. Then I wanted to use up the ones we were given by Cousin Riley. And then… I tried to get the prefolds + PUL covers to work on my baby and it just never seemed to go how I envisioned and we’ve been using disposables this whole time.

Either I could fit all of the prefold into the cover but have it fit Wesley like he was wearing 215 pairs of underwear, OR I could spread out the prefold but not have it and the cover fit over his fat belly. It was a lose-lose situation and I am more than willing to admit it was probably user error, but it still sucked.

The times I did try to keep him in that ensemble, he completely wet through the absolute entire diaper in a little under two hours and once, I failed to realize a half-inch of prefold was poking out of the cover in the back and it wicked all the pee up and out onto his onesie. Ugh. I know you’re supposed to change cloth diapered babies more often, but… two hours didn’t seem that long to me.

That said, I LOVE the prefolds and use them multiple times daily, I just don’t use them for diapering. I use them for burp rags, padding for the dresser we use as a changing table, nursing cleanup and a zillion other things.

Desperate to not feel so stupid about picking a diapering system based entirely on cost and not ease of use or pretty much anything else, I asked my favorite cloth diaper guru Jessica what to do. I was told about a website called DiaperSwappers and oh my goodness! It was perfect!

You can find gently used (and sometimes brand new) diapers for sale and it’s super easy to find what you need and I’ve already received two cute little diapers in the mail and am waiting on a shipment of one more. AND, I can offload the PUL covers I don’t want to someone who does! (The only downside I can see is that with certain brands, purchasing from “unauthorized retailers” (i.e. buying used) means you are not eligible to take them up on their warranty agreement if the velcro wears out or something. However, I am reasonably good at sewing and would feel comfortable replacing velcro/elastic if need be so this is not really an issue for me.)

My plan is to stock up on BumGenius diapers, either AIOs or pockets, and to slowly build up a nice stash so we can quit spending a ton of money on things for Wesley to soil and throw away. Plus, OMG TEH CUTENESS:

I’m trying out BumGenius because they are one of the “larger” names in modern cloth diapering (other large brands are FuzziBunz, Happy Heineys, and perhaps Thirsties as well) and the fit seems to work for my baby. Other people have better luck with other brands; what works for you will depend on what you want to spend as well as your baby’s shape (short and round? tall and thin?) and your ease-of-use preference.

Wesley is pretty round, so I don’t think something like Happy Heineys would work as well for him because the flaps are pretty thick in the front. Skinnier babies might not have this issue. Many people like HH because of the various prints and color choices available; I don’t really mind if my diapers are mostly a few colors. In terms of snaps versus hook-and-loop (Velcro or Aplix) closures, I just liked the velcro. Lots of people pick FuzziBuns because they have snap closures, which might be better for an active toddler. Hook-and-loop is a tiny bit more adjustable, whereas with snaps you are limited to adjusting it where the snaps are placed.

Also, for naptimes, heavy wetters, or overnights, you can generally increase absorbency by using extra inserts in the diapers. There are many, many different insert styles and fabrics to choose from – cotton, hemp, microfiber, you name it! You can experiment with different kinds and find what works for your baby.

So! All that to say, we are using disposables right now but I am in love with the DiaperSwappers website for stash building on the cheap, and I’m kind of sad I didn’t know about it beforehand!

6am: Wake up, either from baby or alarm clock. Feed baby.

6:20: Get out of bed. Assess hair situation.

6:25: Get dressed, put on makeup, address hair situation.

6:40: Wake up baby (if not already awake), change and dress baby

6:45: Frantically locate all empty pumping bottles and throw into pump bag, make sure I have a lunch, grab some frozen milk for Wesley and put it in my milk cooler, locate and pack clean bottle sent home from daycare

7am: Horf a bowl of cereal while baby plays in swing. Tie Moby wrap.

7:10: Zoom out the door to take public transit to daycare.

7:15: Board public transit.

7:20: Wesley attempts to fall asleep but gets frustrated and starts making bad faces and writhing around, occasionally losing his binky and making me super nervous that I am going to be the embarrassed mother in a confined space with a screaming baby.

7:25: Wesley falls asleep.

7:35: Arrive at daycare and sign Wesley in.

7:40: Put milk in freezer, leave Moby wrap for when Daniel picks Wesley up, fill out his eating/sleeping sheet.

7:45: Smooch Wesley, tell him I love him and I hope he has a good day, tickle his toes and pinch his fat cheeks and try to ignore the sound of my heart breaking and the way my throat is closing up and my eyes are tearing up and book it out of there.

7:50: Walk to transit stop, re-board public transit.

8am: Arrive at work.

8am-5pm: work work work pump work work pump work work pump work work work

5:05: Leave work. If it’s a Monday, re-board public transit at stop outside of work. If it is not a Monday, walk five blocks to the other stop I use.

5:15: (Monday) De-board public transit and walk to daycare. (Non-Monday) Board public transit and ride home.

5:20: (Monday) Arrive at daycare, grab Wesley and give him lots of smooches, feel bad about setting him down again so I can tie the Moby. Collect used bottles and try to wedge them in my overstuffed backpack.

5:30: (Monday) Leave daycare and board public transit. (Non-Monday) Arrive at home to see Wesley and Daniel. Give Wesley lots of smooches.

6pm-7pm: Eat dinner, feed Wesley, wonder where the day went.

7:30-8pm: Wesley falls asleep. Stare at him and his fat cheeks and marvel at how he seems larger than when I left him that morning.

9:30: Remember that I need to take a shower. Also remember that I need to put my pumped milk into freezer bags so I can use the bottles for tomorrow. Then remember that I meant to pack a lunch and put my clothes out as well. Panic.

9:35: Shower, hoping Wesley doesn’t wake up screaming with hunger.

9:50: Finish shower, put on jammies.

10pm: Start to assemble lunch. Wesley wakes up hungry. Feed Wesley.

10:30: Continue assembling lunch. Attempt to do math to partition pumped milk into appropriate amounts for freezing. Talk Daniel into doing math instead.

10:45: Grab some clothes for tomorrow. Remember Wesley needs clothes too. Search for pants that don’t make a tourniquet around his fat belly. Realize we desperately need to do laundry.

11pm: Partition milk into freezer bags and place in freezer. Place pump in backpack and set the washed and drying pump parts and daycare bottles in VERY OBVIOUS PLACE on counter so as to not forget them in the morning.

11:15: Realize hair is horrible Medusa-esque mess since it air dried post-shower. Decide to blow dry it to save time in the morning.

11:25: Decide I really should be in bed.

11:40: Actually make it to bed.

12pm-6am: Sleep. Feed baby. Sleep. Feed baby. Sleep.

6am: Wake up and start it all over again.

I have to return to work in a week.

I’m really conflicted about this. Let me start by saying that I love my job. I really do – the people are awesome, the company culture is young and fun and laid-back, and I enjoy the work that I do. I just have a very, very hard time handing someone a fistful of money and my infant child and saying, “Well, see you later! I’ve met you once! Hope you take good care of him!” while I go off to sit in an office all day.

I just feel so bad for him, you know? Like one morning, I’m just going to be GONE and he will be with people he doesn’t know, eating from a bottle all day instead of snuggling with me, napping in unfamiliar places… and he won’t have any idea WHY I’m not there or what’s going on.

And I don’t really “put him down for a nap” – he falls asleep when he falls asleep and I’m usually holding him, and he’ll occasionally consent to being transferred to his swing or carseat for the duration but not very often. How is he going to nap at all if they plunk him in a crib by himself and expect him to sleep like that? They certainly can’t snuggle him for all his naps!

I think what gets me is that I don’t feel like I have a choice in the matter. We have to pay rent and my student loans and our bills, and we need health insurance. So here we are.

How am I going to leave this sweet little face all day?

Wesley

Wesley had his two-month well baby checkup today! Here are his stats:

• 12lbs 8oz – 75th percentile
• 24″ long – 85th percentile
• 39cm head circumference – 28th percentile

Daniel helpfully pointed out that Wesley is already 40% of my height. In short, we have a tall, fat baby with a small head. And we love him dearly.

He also got his vaccinations today and I feel terrible for him, poor little munchkin. He got two shots in one leg, one shot in the other, and had an oral dose of one as well. He’s been making the most pitiful little noises all evening and crying anytime you shift his position.

I’m hoping he feels better soon.

Us

Daniel and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary on Monday. I can’t believe it’s been almost NINE YEARS we’ve been together. That’s practically a third of my lifetime!

We went out to dinner at a new restaurant called Irving Street Kitchen and really enjoyed it. The owner (and many of the employees) come into the coffeeshop where Daniel works, and as part of the restaurant’s opening, the owner invited the baristas to enjoy a dinner on him. It was delicious! I started with the biscuits and ham appetizer and had the Chinook salmon for my entree. Daniel had the Bibb lettuce salad and then the vegetable ragout. I got chocolate cake for dessert and Daniel had rhubarb cobbler that came with corn johnnycakes and strawberry ice cream. YUM.

(Wesley came with us and actually slept through most of dinner. I gave him a bottle of breastmilk toward the end, but I don’t think it agreed with him and he spit up several times during the rest of the evening. I went to change his diaper before dessert, but once I entered the restroom I realized there was no changing table. So did what I could and changed him on the floor of the large stall (on a changing pad) where he spit up and then peed on his feet. And spit up again when I was washing my hands. Sad. He was kind of a mess by the time we left. Content, but a mess.)

The people at the restaurant were happy to see us and we really did have a great time. The aesthetic in there is super cool – lots of wood and neat lighting. Go visit!

Today has been just lovely. Wesley had a good night so I didn’t wake up exhausted, and then Daniel took him to the living room for a while anyway so I could rest a bit more. I got breakfast in bed: French toast on Texas Toast-style bread with blackberry jam, and BACON and fruit and orange juice!

Daniel is basically the best husband ever and got me a gift certificate for a one-hour massage. WIN! (And no, I will not share him.)

Then Daniel took Wesley on a walk (in the Moby wrap – *swoon*) while I took a nice, long, shower. It was gorgeous outside today so I’m glad they got to take a nice walk.

Then, Wesley has been a DREAM BABY all day today. Napped for two and a half hours. Hung out in his swing.

Played in his Bumbo chair:

Has been pleasant while awake:

All in all it has been a great day.