So! With some creative seaming and the addition of some festive pom-poms, the hat is significantly less stupid.
I am now left with a “seam allowance” of about three or four inches on the inside of the hat. (WHAT A DISASTER THIS WAS.) Anyway, lots of extra stuff on the inside. Not sure what to do about it. Can’t very well cut it off, can’t leave it there. It is lumpy and obvious – it would make a nice hidden pocket if: 1) it weren’t so goddamned thick, 2) it was hidden, and 3) HATS HAD POCKETS.
I will say that I am feeling much better about the hat, it feels wearable now, but I am unsure about the flappy parts on the inside. Troubleshooting bad knitting is fun.