May 4, 2006 5:02 pm

Four-Point Muffin Catch

:note: Jimmy Eat World – “If You Don’t, Don’t”

Hi.

I have something to talk about now.

Some background: I am extremely grouchy in the mornings. I do not enjoy getting up early, and I have just gone without food for a number of hours, and we all know how awful I get without food. This grouchiness factor was multiplied by at least five when I was younger because (I swear to god) my mom would do everything in her power to make me have a miserable morning.

(Side note: in elementary school, we somehow ended up with a “parent checklist” form that we stuck on the refrigerator. It was supposed to be kind of like a report card for parents that the kid would fill out (I think there was a column for the parents to grade themselves as well) and it had statements like, “I am encouraged to read” (A+) and “I am happy with my bedroom” (C). I remember taking GREAT pride in giving my parents an F minus (times about 32 if I remember correctly – I filled up the square with minuses) for the phrase “I am sent off to school with a bright and cheery smile every morning.” That should give you some idea of how much I hated mornings.)

So one day, in middle school (presumably 7th grade), I was upset about something or other and complaining about not getting any breakfast and the fact that my backpack weighed about 45 pounds. I was heading outside to wait for the bus and my mom said, “Hang on just a minute, I think I can find something” and shut the door. By this time, I’m already onto the cement carport. It is the dead of winter. There is snow everywhere. My mom sees the bus coming, yells “Here! A muffin! Can you catch?” and THREW THE MUFFIN AT ME.

I spun around to reach for the muffin, and slipped on a patch of ice. I began falling backward. The offending muffin flew over my head and into a snowbank, my huge backpack accelerated my fall and I went slamming into the concrete. I had my flute case in one hand and that hit the concrete just as hard as I did.

My mom almost died laughing.

Now, I admit that this had to be hilarious to witness. However, now I was tired, grouchy, hurt, and still hungry. And the bus was coming. I can’t remember now whether or not I missed the bus, but OH was I upset. And to this day my mom still calls it my “Four-point muffin catch” as apparently all my limbs were off the ground at one point.

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