March 15, 2006 1:51 am

Unloading

:note: nothing

I’ve started this particular post over at least ten times. I can’t quite figure out what to say without it being awkward or inappropriate, but I need to get it off my chest. Here goes:

I feel defeated. I’m over here bawling for some reason I can’t quite pinpoint and I don’t know what the matter is. I know it’s a combination of things, but I still can’t figure out exactly what.

This C++ class has kicked my ass all term and made me feel horrible about myself.
I get frustrated when Daniel comes home from work and just wants to sleep instead of talking to me and then I feel guilty because I know he needs to sleep, and then I feel selfish for wanting to talk.
I still don’t think I fully recovered from my nervous breakdown at about this time last term.
I have no libido to speak of and I’m paranoid that something awful will happen as a result of it.
I’m in the midst of finals and final projects and it’s horrifically stressful but I try not to let it show.
I sometimes feel like I have more friends inside the computer than I do in real life, and I suspect that that’s true.
This makes it difficult to hang out with anybody.
There’s so many things that I feel bad about, but I turn it around to make it seem like it’s Daniel’s problem when it’s not really, and then he feels like an ass and then I feel HORRIBLE that I made him feel bad, even though that’s sort of what (I think) I set out to do.
I constantly feel unattractive despite Daniel’s statements to the contrary, because I know I’m fat.
I’m upset by the fact that Daniel thinks that getting married will turn us into the stereotypical boring old married couple and that’s why he doesn’t want to get engaged. And because it’s an “adult” thing to do and he’s “not an adult.”
I feel bad that I even want to get engaged, even though we’ve been together for nearing five years.
Any free time I have should be spent on homework, and I feel incredibly guilty when I do something for fun and then I don’t really enjoy it.
I sometimes worry that I might be depressed, but I don’t want to get formally screened for it because honestly? What would I do if I was? I can’t afford to do anything about it.
I feel bad that Daniel’s used to falling asleep by himself because I generally stay up later than he does.
I feel bad that when I mentioned this to him, he said it was kind of funny because if it were me, I would ask him to come to bed at the same time. Note to self: I’m a terribly selfish person.
I wonder why I have to end up with stress-related ailments.
I haven’t been sleeping well. It generally takes me 1/2 an hour to fall asleep, but lately it’ll take over an hour, and then I sleep for 12 hours straight and still don’t feel rested.

Take your pick. I feel defeated, bad, predictable, selfish. On a day-to-day basis. Heh, and I wonder why my eye exploded?

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8 Comments

  • sharon says:

    hey gal, what’s most important? your body – it’s the only thing keeping you here/there journaling. take care of yourself first. when you are happier with yourself – you can enjoy those around you. this doesn’t mean that everything will fall into place and be wonderful without other obstacles. get enough sleep and eat well . . . and what’s important?

  • We need to have a good long chat lady, smoooooches to you.

  • Rose says:

    These smilies will now come in good use: :sad: :sad:
    Maybe you should give yourself a mini vacation or something. And try to be happy, because bad times never last forever :-)

    and no, I don’t think your fat. From your pictures on flickr? No. Not fat. Very cute, and maybe less skinny than some people (not in a fat way. Just your body type), but it totally suits you.

  • Rose says:

    I just realized that half my comment was reassuring you that you’re a very sexy person :P

    Now I’ll just send you more hugs and tell you that everything will be ok :) From what I’ve read in the past, Daniel loves you to bits, and I’m sure he understands if you’re just having a tough time right now.

    And the finals won’t last forever. Plus, judging by your marks in the past – I have a feeling you’ll really well, and it’ll all be over soon :P

  • Jem says:

    Ack. :/ Y’know I think half of the things covered in your post just come with being female. I know I sometimes feel stupid about something or selfish in my relationship and when discussed with other people it turns out women feel the same way and men don’t even notice. So, that must mean it’s all the mans fault, heh.

    I hope you feel more positive soon :)

  • Melissa says:

    I can understand a lot of what you’re talking about right now because I’m going through a bit of the same thing. Right now is…just not a good time and many things have factored into that. I just don’t feel like doing anything but sleep, but of course that isn’t exactly possible. Ugh…it’s just frustrating. I definitely think Jem is right, though.

    Kopf hoch!

  • Meagan says:

    little megg–

    it sucks feeling like you can’t control everything– I know, I’m the oldest child too. But you do have to take care of yourself– get that fabulous boyfriend of yours to make you some healthy meals and get to bed early–you might need to start swilling the booze for a good night’s sleep. just know that people out there love you, even if we are all in the computer!

  • Elea says:

    First of all, Meggan, you are NOT FAT. You might not be a skinny stick of a person, but that doesn’t automatically make you fall into the fat category. I’ve seen your pictures, and I think you are gorgeous.

    The fact that you feel guilty about wanting things means that you aren’t truly selfish. It’s not a crime to have wants and desires.

    I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling too well; hopefully things will look up soon. Perhaps if you could find somebody to honestly talk to and not have keep it all pent up inside except for an occasional blog entry or two, it’d help?

    *hug*