February 23, 2006 11:44 pm

I Am Good At Finding Movies

:note: Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – “My Boyfriend’s Back”

Um, hi. I don’t have a lot to say. Things are fine now – I think I just had a few too many bad days in a row. I bought a movie the night that I got Daniel Guitar Hero (that’s me, Greatest Girlfriend Ever) and it has turned out to be great so far. I say so far because it’s really three movies on one disc, and I’ve only watched two as of yet.

This movie is… Ah, it’s… Well… Um, I bought it in the adult section. BUT! It is a film made in the late 60’s and shows only boobs, nothing below the waist unless there are underpants being worn and there is also no sex. So it’s very, very softcore. But oh man is it hilarious. The movies are entitled: The Touch of Her Flesh, The Curse of Her Flesh, and The Kiss of her Flesh, in that order. The third one includes the illustrious chapter titles “Douche of Death” and “Burn, Slut, Burn!”

For your amusement, this is (most of) the description from the back:

The madness starts where Richard Jennings discovers his wife Claudia in bed with another man, goes berserk, and is promptly hit by a car. In a classic case of overreaction, the now-crippled Jennings not only vows revenge on his wife but on ALL women EVERYWHERE and begins to slaughter strippers, hookers, and go-go girls in a series of psycho killings which climax with a lovely little buzz-saw beheading…

Next, Jennings extends The Curse of Her Flesh to the man he caught with Claudia as well as “everyone connected with him,” leading to murders by machete, a poisoned cat’s paw, and even a lethal G-string…

Finally, in The Kiss of Her Flesh, Jennings fights the ultimate Battle of the Sexes with a tire iron, blowtorch, and – believe it or not – a lobster claw.

I couldn’t resist. Do you see why I could not leave without buying this movie? I live for bad movies like this! There’s also a warning on the back that says “This program contains nudity, violence, sexual situations, and a love-starved squash!” The first movie has minimal dialogue, and what dialogue they managed to include is all overdubbed. There are no actual speaking parts in the whole thing. And Jennings’s overdub voice sounds like Tompkins from Homestarrunner.com.

It is glorious.

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